We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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