if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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