I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
