you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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