see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
