I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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