I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
