Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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