someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
