Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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