I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
