I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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