my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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