It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
