fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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