you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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