Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Ketchup is God's man juice
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
