Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
