She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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