if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
