I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
