Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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