Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
