I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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