You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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