If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
