She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
