In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
