I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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