I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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