I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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