New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize