Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
