Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I sprained my soul last night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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