what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
