Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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