omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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