my phone needs a breathalizer
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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