YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize