i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
