nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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