I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
