you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
