he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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