So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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