woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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