I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
