Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
