My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
