the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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