do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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