Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize