Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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