i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
