why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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