So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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