Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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