Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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