it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
