Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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