i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
