You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
